a playlist for healing from psychosis
the songs that kept me going while living in a mental health treatment center
I knew I was starting to lose my mind before the psychosis completely took ahold, so I told my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. He then had to half carry me out of the building as I kept falling over going in and out of consciousness. He had to hold me back in the van someone else drove to get me there because I thought I had to stop it to save my life. By the time we got there, I was mostly gone and he had to see me yelling at nurses and resisting their attempts at putting in an IV. Needless to say, I was baker acted.
For the next couple of days, I lived in a sedated haze while nurses kept vigilant watch and doctors ran tests, ordered medicine, and tried to restore my balance. I came in sleep deprived, dehydrated, and, of course, delusional and paranoid. When I left, I was still two of those things.
“I wish there were things I never understood,” Eliza McLamb, in “Before”
Perhaps the only reason I was able to get out so quickly is because my dad was there, making sure I wouldn’t be lost to the system like my mom was so many years ago. He complained when I was given food I was allergic to — when I probably would’ve just eaten what I could and left the rest — and let me play music on my phone to try to get some sleep despite the noise of the hospital. I requested Going Through It by Eliza McLamb, an aptly named album I thought would help me through what I was experiencing. I was particularly drawn to “Before” and “To Wake Up” which were like peaceful little lullabies to me. My dad, on the other hand, told me after we got out that he was a little disturbed by the chorus of “Glitter” and the heavy beat of “Punch Drunk”.
I remember, too, a couple of nurses who prayed over me and shared bible verses about God’s endless love for all his children, I was deeply afraid of everything and confused about what was going on, but they shushed me and told me stories to help me get to sleep when my dad wasn’t there. One woman even gifted me a bible of hers so I could reread the verses and find comfort in them. At the time, I felt like I was being baptized and reborn. I even wrote “BA” (to mean both baptism and baker act) on the line to commemorate the occasion of receiving the bible. At an earlier point, I thought I was on my way to becoming the main character of Girl, Interrupted. It was clearly a very jumbled time in my mind.
Immediately after being discharged, I was hit with the weight of every traumatic moment I experienced. The legal pad my dad had with him became a makeshift journal for me to pour out every bad thing that had happened to me — things I blamed for the psychotic breakdown. I was overwhelmed with emotion and pain and fear.
I spent less than two days at home before admitting myself into a behavioral health treatment center for mental health and substance abuse. It was the exact opposite of what my mom and dad wanted, but I felt like there was no way for me to heal at home. I’m not sure how effective the two months that I would spend in residential and then partial hospitalization were for healing either. But what I can say is that these treatment centers helped me out of psychosis and opened my eyes to some hard truths about myself.
I think I’ll save these truths for appointments with my therapist, at least for now. What I really want to share is some of the music that came to my mind while I was without my carefully curated playlists — songs that I shared during music therapy or that I sang at karaoke nights or that just came into my head during my time away. Someone other than me could probably psychoanalyze these choices but I think mostly they say that I just wanted comfort and to feel less alone in my head.
“Before” and “To Wake Up” by Eliza McLamb
“Good Days” by SZA
“Lay All Your Love On Me” by ABBA
“Dollhouse” and “Mrs. Potato Head” by Melanie Martinez
“Sos Todo Lo Que Está Bien” by Silvestre y La Naranja
“Everything is Everything” by Lauryn Hill
“American Teenager” by Ethel Cain
“Chinese Satellite” by Phoebe Bridgers
“Malibu” by Miley Cyrus
“Beyond” by Leon Bridges
“What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish
“My Love Mine All Mine” by Mitski
“Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley & the Wailers
Since coming home, a few other songs I had already liked came to mean a lot more to me, too. Each one represents my connection to myself in different ways.
“Favor” by Julien Baker
“Salad” by Blondshell
“Cobra (feat. Spiritbox)” by Megan Thee Stallion
“Class of 2013” by Mitski
“Crave” by Paramore
“Graceland Too” by Phoebe Bridgers
Being back often feels like seeing everything anew, with new knowledge that I wish I didn’t have and appreciation that I didn’t quite have before. Music, I’ve realized, really shapes how I move through the day, and I’m trying to move differently now that I know how quickly everything can change.